Loveless (For Now)

I don't quite understand love.

I mean, I've seen it in TV shows, movies, videos. In real life.

I watched couples grow into relationships, fall out, and so on. I feel like I have solid thoughts and ideas from listening and watching people.

I know love from a outsiders point of view, but never from the inside. 

Do I want to be in love?

I don't know.

When I was in middle school, I had classes with the same 60 kids for 9 years. From Kindergarten to 8th grade, I watched everyone grow up with me. So it was weird to think of the guys as more than crushes, when we would play kickball together. 

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I never thought of dating until I got into high school.
But I tried to steer clear from having crushes anyways.

It's ironic because I feel like the natural teenage response is, "I want to be loved! And to love!"

But I don't believe in being in a high school relationship. I thought they weren't genuine enough. People would date for the sake of dating. 

Of course there are exceptions to that, but I personally didn't see myself in a relationship.

I felt like I needed to be in a mature and serious relationship. Where I could really connect to someone. I've never met someone like that, and high school wasn't the right time or place for me.

You could say that love doesn't care where you are, when it happens, or how it happens. And I could agree with you on that. But if someone were to ask me out now, I'd probably say no. 
Even if this person was perfect to me, I'd probably say no.

I know I'm not ready to love someone because I haven't even been able to care for myself. 

It wouldn't be fair.

I have to grow before I can let someone in. 

The last thing I'd want, is to be seen as someone's to be fixed. 

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But don't get me wrong, I did have crushes here and there.

In the past, I'd get all nervous or awkward to talk around them.
I felt my body tense up whenever they were 15 feet away from me, and I felt like I was a self-conscious ant under a microscope.
It was that immediate feeling of just seeing them.

But that bubbly feeling would crash back down when the rest of my brain makes a reminder that I was just projecting these fake feelings.

I always told myself I wasn't the type of girl that was crushed on. 

My mind would say, "nope. He doesn't like you. Why do you like him anyways? He's just a friend, you like him as a friend. Not a crush."

And most of the time, it's true.
They were just being polite, and I would see it as a signal that they liked me back.
But that happens to most of us. What else can we think of? We were young and unaware.

For me, I'll stay loveless (for now) ❤