The Thing with Body Confidence

Body confidence.
Something that I don't have a lot of.
Something that I'm learning to have.

I think the first time that I became conscious and embarrassed of my body was in 3rd grade.
I was probably 8 or 9 years-old at the time.

It was nearing the end of the school year, and we were having free time in class.
There was a few of my friends crowded around a table playing a game.
That day, I was wearing a t-shirt and my favorite skirt.
It was a pastel pink with a little heart embroidered on it (I think it was from Children's Place).

I was standing up because there wasn't enough space to sit.
I was antsy as usual and doing little hops in place when my best friend's voice came from behind me.
"I can see your underwear!"

I could still feel the horror every time I think of that moment.
I froze in place and sat down in the nearest seat.

Looking back now, I think that was the moment I started to hate wearing skirts and dresses.
I felt overly cautious and I was constantly worrying how I looked like.

Eventually, I started hating my legs.
I started to hate my hair.
I started to hate my arms.
I hated my body.

I would pick and pinch the parts of my body that I wish I could carve out.
I never wore shorts, skirts, dresses. I only wore black jeans and hoodies, because they hid everything I didn't want to see. I refused to have my picture taken, because I would cringe at everything.

I still do these things today.
I mean, it's hard to break these thoughts.
There's so many things I'd want to forget about, but they manage to find a way to crawl back inside.

Sometimes, I feel stupid and selfish for feeling this way.
I'd think of those who don't have legs, arms, or hair.
And all my thoughts wouldn't seem reasonable anymore.

Everyone probably goes through similar things.
And I've been trying to dig less of a hole for me to hide in.
I've been doing things that make me comfortable in my own skin, even if they're not a big deal.
From reading comics and listening to music all day, to wearing sweatpants all week.

Yesterday has passed, and today will be the first and only day I'll experience.
I should at least try to make my life less of a negative soul in the world.

- take care of yourself
x Vicky

Wide Awake

Mmmph...
that's the sound I make when I can't sleep.

Over the past few years I've had a reoccurring issue of not being able to sleep.

It's a cycle that I can never adjust to.

There would be days where I'd be sluggish.

Then there would be days where I'd pull an all-nighter and still feel like I could take on the world.

It's odd, I know.
I'd always say it has to do with my internal clock, but sometimes it's just because my body is weird.

I'd randomly wake up in the middle of the night with a stuffy nose or a pounding headache, and I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep.

Giving up on sleep, I'd sit at my desk and try to empty everything out of my head.
Poems, doodles, stories, or whatever comes to mind -- it'll be on paper -- until I feel like going to sleep again.

Most of the time it's usually things that run through my mind.

I'm sure you might go through the same.

It gets so tiring.

I want to stop thinking, stop worrying, stop fearing the things that haven't even happened yet.

Hours would go by and the sun would be out.
A night would pass, and another day would come.