I didn't think I had a best friend until a few years ago. Mainly because I didn't have labels for it. I knew who I was the closest to, and who I could trust. That was until one of my closest friends was hurt that I didn't call her my "best friend forever," BFF.
In that moment, I felt surprised and guilty. So I gave in and started calling her my best friend. And in hind sight, this really showed how submissive I could be at times -- just giving what people what they want to hear, so they could feel a bit better about themselves.
I wish I wasn't like this all the time. Let me explain what I mean by this.
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I was at a workshop a few months ago that was talking about gender, sexuality, and knowledge about discrimination and persecution. I was really interested in what the instructor was saying, because I've never been around an adult who really delved into this topic before. And I've never felt like my classmates or friends were serious enough to talk about this topic with me before.
At this workshop, was about 15 or so high school students. We were all doing a few warm ups and exercises, and we started a discussion that confronted something I've been trying to hide.
I was afraid of my best friend. And that maybe -- she wasn't even my best friend at all.
Now, you might be wondering "how did you get from talking about sexuality and gender -- to being afraid of your so-called-BFF?"
Well, we were doing a exercise that put things into perspective.
The instructor asked us to think of someone we thought as a BFF. The person we could trust, confine in, and care about. Now, imagine ourselves as someone who has not come out yet (as gay, trans, however we wanted to imagine ourselves).
And the instructor said, "Now ask yourself, is your BFF the first person you come out to?"
The immediate answer that came into my mind was -- No.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized how I'm not comfortable around my BFF as I use to. How I still keep things from her. How I feel like she couldn't understand me in some ways. How we disagree on most things, and how most of the times we end up being passive aggressive. I felt like I needed to please her -- from my taste in clothes, makeup and music.
It was unsettling to confront myself about. Because deep down, I've confronted myself about this issue before. And I knew it was a unhealthy friendship in the beginning.
We've had arguments before. Ones that lasted 10 minutes. Ones that lasted weeks. And we would make up by apologizing without really trying to fix what had happened in the past. Instead, we would brush it off and blame each other in our minds. I hated these mind tricks. It was such fake and bullshit apologizes, but I didn't want to lose a friend.
One of these instances of where I confronted myself about this, was a fight I talked about in my past blog post. If you want to read about it, it's my "Mushed Thingy Mabob of a Mess ~ Part 3."
Well, let's revisit this.
Throw back to the Summer of 2015.
We were Skyping each other, and I thought, "Okay, I'll just tell her the truth about how I feel about our toxic-ish friendship"
I had started off the conversation wrong by asking, "Who do you think is a bitch in our friend group?"
Yeah... literally -- the worst choice of words.
Eventually, I told her she was a bitch sometimes too. And I wasn't really defending her when she started talking about other people's behaviors. And I could see her frustration on her face.
She asked me why I was bringing this up, and she looked so annoyed. I couldn't speak. Literally couldn't speak. I had to turn away from my webcam because I was starting to cry. I didn't know why, but it just happened. Eventually, we ended the video call and continued the conversations through texts. I just wasn't the same. I couldn't get my points across about how I felt like she wasn't acting as the supportive friend I was being to her. She would say the same about me, and I understood.
We eventually patched up things. She even wrote me a song to apologize. And when she sang it to me. When she said she was sorry. I didn't feel like she was.
At the time, I told myself that this fight was going to make us stronger friends. But it didn't. We were still our passive aggressive selves that didn't know how to just say, "you are such a crap friend," to each other's faces. Things went back to the way there were, and we tip toed around our flaws.
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In the past year or two, I've recognized certain people that weren't good friends. That didn't serve much importance to my life. They've taught me the mistakes I shouldn't make again, and I've distanced myself from them. I've said to myself -- they're immature and have yet to grow up. They're not adding anything to my life, and have used me in the past. You're toxic. You're not worth my energy and breath. I deserve better. Goodbye.
Little would I have considered my BFF as one of those people.
Don't get me wrong.
I've thought that I could cut myself off from my best friend before. But I never went through with it. It was more like "screw you, don't talk to me." Then, a week later, I'd say "Oh heyyyyy! Nothing happened at all! Let's hang out today!"
And now, I can say that my "best friend forever," may not be the BFF I thought she was.
She has her flaws. I have my flaws, there's no lying about that.
But I think this is more about how I can grow as a person without having a BFF. I don't need to confine in anyone. I don't need to share every detail about my life. I don't need to rely on anyone but myself.
So I shouldn't feel like I need to wear makeup around her. I shouldn't have to feel like I have to care about everything she says. I shouldn't have to feel hurt when she's annoyed at me.
Screw that.
A few days ago, my coworker used the phrase "emotional vampire" to describe a few people. And my best friend is kind of like a emotional vampire. It's just so draining sometimes, and I just need a break. From her. From drama. From feelings. From people in general.
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In the past 2 weeks or so, I've had a break from my "BFF."
She got annoyed with me because I wasn't giving her the advice she wanted to hear, and I just got fed up. I was done with having to explain myself. I was like "fine, okay." And we haven't spoken since then.
And I feel so FREE. I could breathe.
I've been at peace with myself, not feeling like I owe anyone anything. I've just been by myself, doing my own things. And it feels right.
I didn't know how good this would feel.
I know our friendship definitely won't be the same anymore, but I'm more than fine with that.
I want to be a friend that coexists in our own worlds, not the same world. I need my space, and I need a friend who has their own space. I don't need to have someone depend on me, and vice versa.
I'll just go back to not labeling my friends.
x Vicky
