I am a over thinker.
My thoughts would spiral downwards, and I'll end up in a pit of self doubt. It's quite a dramatic way of wording it, but having self doubt makes a chain reaction of bad judgement and decisions.
This feeling of doubt would kick in when I try to convince myself that I should say "yes" to any opportunity. Will it make me uncomfortable and challenge me in a new way? Well, yeah -- but I want to push myself to experience new things.
But then there's a conflict in my conscience of "can I actually do this?"and "do I have the time for this?"
I'd doubt my skills and capabilities, and I would tell myself that I don't have enough knowledge or education compared to other people. There were so many times were I thought, "This is cool! But I don't think I'd be able to do it, because I'm not good enough." I would underestimate myself and I'd feel guilty for disappointing others and passing up new things. A pang of regret would come back later and I'll be asking myself what would happen if I didn't give up on myself. If I allowed myself to explore things.
At the same time, I ask myself whether it's logical for me to try do new things. Sure it'll be a great experience, but do I have the time? Does it make sense to add something into my schedule? Would I have time to put my focus on a project or event?
We only have 24 hours in a day, and it stresses me out when I look over my calendar and notice how little spaces I have to accomplish tasks. The issue of whether I'd be able to realistically multitask in the mist of everything else that's going on in my life, is a question I'm constantly asking myself. And I noticed that my busy schedule of being a student is one of the biggest factor that actually makes me say "no."
During the times I do say "yes," sometimes I'd have to go back to my word and cancel.
In my opinion, canceling on someone/something is one of the most self destructing and self sabotage action I can do.
I am already an indecisive person, so I get even more stressed when I'm unsure on finalizing my decisions. So, when I change my mind on things, I feel like I've set myself up for failure.
For example, a friend recently asked me to help her edit a trailer for her documentary. I was beyond happy and honored. But because I'm still learning a lot about filmmaking and editing, I wasn't very confident in my capabilities compared to a professional editor. Her deadline was also after all my midterms and assignments, so it would be tight time management for me. I knew by saying "yes," I would gain experience, but I'd face the consequences of losing track of my classwork, studies, and possibly my attention to the trailer. On top of that, I never really believed in myself, and I didn't want to risk the chance of disappointing someone's expectations. By thinking in this way, my lack of confidence has already convinced me that I'll fail anyways. It's a lose-lose fight between myself.
The pros and cons of any situation can be confusing.
You can go with the choice that saves you from stress and mental health issues, but prevents you from experiencing something; Or, you can go with the choice that gives you stress, but introduces you to new experiences.
Making choices is a coin toss of how much you're willing to risk, or give up. The process of choosing what to do can be a self destructive thing that worsens anxiety, fear, and motivation.
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Looking back at my past choices, I've noticed how I'm always sabotaging myself. Whether it's sabotaging relationships with people, or the choices I've made. My stomach's been twisted with the cringe-worthy regret I have now.
My doubts would get in the way of communicating with others, and figuring out what I wanted to do with my connection with them. Do I care enough about them to give them my attention? Should I care about this person? What is this person's purpose in my life, and are they adding any value? How does this person feel about me?
The more questions I asked, the more I was confused with what I wanted and what I needed. When I would look back at my words and actions, I'd realize how my indecisiveness prevented my relationship with others to develop.
Time has passed since my moments of destruction, and I couldn't mend the issues anymore. All I could do now is to move on and be more aware of what I do.
Do you feel the same?
Thinking back to your past, have you noticed this sense of self doubt or sabotage?
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If you've been reading my blog for a while, you might've noticed how I tend to circle back to my thoughts, mindset, emotions, mental health, and so-called "philosophy." Although I never specifically say "oh, today I'm going to talk about my crappy mood," but I do mention the things that run through my head.
Most of these topics have been sitting in my mind for weeks, months, and sometimes years. I've written them down in journals, and it has taken me time to share them. I would sit on my thoughts and let them simmer until I get a better understanding of myself, and figure out what those thoughts mean over time. It's a sliver of what goes on around me, but it's a start.
I hope these posts have been therapeutic or helpful in any way as it has for me.
Warm hugs
x Vicky
