Breathe

Hi there, it's been a while - well, a year.
It's 5:09am as I'm typing this (yup, pulling a all-nighter as usual). I've been catching up on TV shows, movies, and things I missed out along the way of this year. And I decided to take a break, stretch out my spine, haha, and try to write a new blog post.

I started this blog as a stream of consciousness, and I've still been writing - don't worry. In a mix of stray post-it's, random pages, and on my phone. I'm trying to collect my thoughts together as much as I can, I hope it's working.

A lot has happened this year.
2018... has been... a lot.
Busy.

I've stalled on a lot of things, I've taken breaks. And before I knew it, here I am, a year has passed. How did it happen just like that?

I think I'm afraid of writing in some ways. Letting it all out, knowing that my thoughts are somewhat concrete, and exist in the world outside of my body. It's a love that I fight everyday when I wake up and before I go to sleep.

There's pages and pages of unfinished poems, sentences that have no periods, and phrases that are untethered. And I tell myself, this is going to something - something full - whole - and it's own life. A piece of myself that can stand on it's own, or at least learning how to walk on its own before I can let it go. I save pieces for this and that, and I end up in a bigger mess in of myself.

I dream that there would be little bundles of papers, sewn together, by the spine of a book that - is me. I'd selfishly pour myself into something, every ounce of care and pain I have, thinking that it'll bring me some satisfaction. Some feeling that it's okay, and that I exist in the world.

It's weird writing sometimes.
I look back and I can still feel the heaviness despite how much time has passed. I still feel the weights on my shoulders, the cloud that looms around, and the bits and pieces of what I've tried forgetting. The words I've written remind me of where I was, and where I am. Things have changed, and some haven't. I get nostalgic of the words I've used, and the emotion it carries; the life I had back then.

It gives me a perspective that I hold onto, yet, feel conflicted if I could ever let go.
I'd let out a few tears for her, the girl I used to know - and know now.
There's things I don't think I can forgive and forget. It's a tug-of-war game that's gone on forever, and I feel like I don't know a time where I wasn't holding on for my dear life.

Maybe I'm being dramatic.

I've shared some stories with friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers. I've taken my time for that. And I've also kept to myself. Solitude has always been there for me. I hear that there's stepping stones as I wandered around blindly, I lost my footing at times, but I'm on my hands and knees now.

It's been hard to breathe this year.

Things pile up on each other, and I find myself scrambling to balance another plate on my head. I have little to no time to process things, and when I can finally catch my breath, all the plates come tumbling down after my strategic method of keeping myself together. (This is quite ironic, because I loved building towers out of cards when I was a kid - and I wouldn't give up until I had a pyramid - no matter how many times it fell over).

I can feel myself building the tower of cards these days, being teased dangerously by the wind to knock me over. So much has built up and I just sit there not knowing where to start. Like when you pull a string from your sweater, and it continues to undo the whole thread. Whatever direction I gravitate towards, I'm spiraling further into something else.

(Lots of metaphors haha).

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is - I need to do things on my own more these days.
It's been draining, and I need to slow down by a million.

I need to escape. Leave.
Go somewhere far away and completely new.
I need to look at new things with my own eye balls.
Drop what I know.
Breathe new air.

--
This was my stream of consciousness.
6:02am.
12/29/18.

Lessons from 2017

How's your New Year going?
I can't believe it's 2018! It seems like it was only yesterday when I was in class, and everyone was saying that the world was going to end in December 2012.

I've been at home most of the past few weeks working on side projects that I've been thinking about recently. They're mostly works in progress, but I hope that I could share them with you soon.

Things have been settling down in my life, and I had the time to sit and look back at my year in 2017. Lots of things have happened, and I feel like it's safe to say that 2017 has been a year where I grew a lot. I learned a lot about myself and in life, probably in ways that I would not have imagined any other way. In a good and bad way I suppose.

Hopefully you can find something that resonates with you in what I say next :)
These are some things I learned along the way on my road down 2017.

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1. Love

Ah, L-O-V-E. Something I always find myself thinking, breathing, and talking about.

Love the people around you.
Please, please, please, don't forget who you love. Why you love them. What you love about them.
I try to remind myself these things, because it's important to stay grounded with the people that I surround myself with.

Relationships need to be nurtured with care in order to grow. Whether I'm asking how their day went, or I see something that reminds me of them -- I try to keep a little space in my heart for them.
Try not to feel embarrassed or shy about being affectionate. It can take time, but try nonetheless.

Stay strong, caring, attentive, thoughtful, kind, and loving.
Be there for people through the thick and the thin.

Find the people who make the salty tears reach your laughing lips.
Find the people who don't envy you, but who feel inspired by your achievements.
Find the people who don't discard or forget about you.

Find the people who will hold you, because they want to, and expect nothing back -- even when your body quakes with sobs, when your arms are limps, and all you can do is try to forget.

You never know when something will happen. I hope you can look back with a knowing smile, because they knew how much you love them.

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2. Be Honest

Be truthful to yourself.
Don't lie to and try to convince yourself that you're this or that.
Be you.

Be honest with others.
Believe me when I say I have been very honest with others -- not going to lie, it has backfired -- it has led to embarrassing and awkward moments. I would shake my head to try to make the memories disappear, but it sadly didn't.

At the end of the day, week, month, or year, I can promise you -- being honest is worth all those feelings of cringing. Soon enough, time will pass, and you would have that one blissful day where you can go on with the day without thinking about that moment you once wanted to erase.

Being vulnerable is okay.
Although some things won't go the way you planned it to be, it was worth a shot. It's better to take chances than to wonder what could've happened.

I have had many conversations with friends where we talked about the widest range of topics. Those are the fondest memories I have with them, because we were free. We could open up to each other about fears and secrets that we thought other people wouldn't understand. We were free from our own conscious, and we supported each other. Being truthful can be liberating.

If the people around you judge you for being you -- ask yourself if these are the people you want to continue being friends with. Will they be a shoulder for you to cry on? Will they talk to your face or behind your back?

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3. Do things that scare you

Oh how I wish I could just pummel that feeling of fear out of my mind. Some times I think that fear is embedded in my DNA no matter how much I try to plaster on a fake smile.

But I've been doing more things that push me out of my comfort zone.
Public speaking, taking initiative, going to social events, meeting new people, etc.
I could draw you a line graph of how much my anxiety and nervousness has spiked over the last year, haha. My heart would beat like 50 miles per hour. My mind would go blank. My hands would shake.

Eventually, I learned to get use to that feeling.
The more I pushed myself to do different things, the more I felt confident to do the next thing. I'm not saying that I'm super confident now, but I am more willing to try. I still hesitate and all, but I'm getting better.

! !  PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT I SAY NEXT  ! !

If you're passionate about something, and it scares you, that's good.
Your passion should motivate you to be a perfectionist.
Chase that dream. Invest your time and energy.

Some goals and passions will break, haunt, nag, and hold onto you for dear life. The process of tripping over yourself with doubt, fear, anxiety, and stress can take who knows how long.

Sometimes it takes one minute to realize that those 150 pages of blood, sweat, and tears -- are garbage. That out of those 15 songs you've sang, only 1 is worth listening to again.

Be the best damn version of yourself -- even if you have to tear yourself down and build yourself up again. Prepare to fall down, brush yourself off, and get up running.

If you're afraid to do something, someone else is bound to do it before you.
Take risks, and trust yourself.
Always try.

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4. Be kind

This sounds ridiculous, but it still surprises me when I meet people who aren't kind.
Life doesn't need added negativity, especially if it's unnecessary.

Take a extra moment to say "thank you," "have a nice day," "I like your shoes," "you look beautiful today."

Someone might need it. 
Everyone deserves it.

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5. Take care of yourself

If you've been following me online for a while, you know that I'm all about treating yourself.
Pamper nights with face masks to giving yourself time to binge watch TV.

Besides that, you need to look after your health too.
Go to the doctors, the dentists, etc.
Be sure to eat, exercise, and rest.
Notice the changes of your body -- not to pick and pull "flaws" -- notice for the sake of possibly being at risk of disease, illness, cancer, etc.

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6. Keep learning

Never stop learning. Look at things in different perspectives. Think with an open mind. Absorb cultures, languages, and philosophies.

Find lessons from books, movies, people, and other things.
Make it a mission to improve yourself everyday, and don't be shy to ask questions. Ask for help too!

I've found some time to read more books on my commute to class, and there were a lot of head nodding advice that I picked up from different authors. Don't be ashamed by the titles, genres, or authors you read. I've read: fiction, memoirs, self-help, romance, etc., and I've taken pieces of each story in some shape or form.

Use your past memories and moments as a way of understanding how far you've come.
You will recognize the mistakes and achievements that you've made, and it'll play into the grand picture of who you are now.

You'll never learn unless you accept, open, and find yourself.

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I hope 2017 has been a year of discovery, and that it was everything you needed.
Here's to 2018!

x Vicky