Thoughts on 2019

I want to think that this year has been one that shaped me a lot. 

Last year had been one of the toughest periods I had in a while. A lot of grief and moving on that I wasn't ready for. And it took me a long time to process the changes in my life, and become fully aware of those important to me. 

This year was full of growing and learning. 

At times I was thrown into the mix of things and I felt like I was constantly behind on things. I was tackling things one after another for months. I found myself doing more than the fair share of work. I was struggling to find balance, and I didn't have much time for myself to recharge. There was only so much that I could do for other people and most importantly myself.

After everything that's happened this year, the most important thing is that I'm here.
I made it through.

My friends reassured me that there's someone to help me at my lowest. They shook me by the shoulders because they know how stubborn I can be when it comes to asking for help; and that's something I'm grateful for. They've taught me about how much a friend's love can transcend. It's a push and pull of kindness, comfort, laughter, respect, competition, and admiration. We're moving through this world together, and it's their caring heart that makes it a little less lonely.

I found moments of peace in between the chaos.

I've been wanting to get out of New York for a while. Thankfully, going on small trips have brought fresh air to my lungs. Sometimes I need to leave behind old memories to make new ones. It was time to see, smell, and taste new things. I needed to clear my mind. Visiting Philadelphia, Maryland, D.C., and New Haven this year reminded me of the simple moments I try not to take for granted. Walking through gardens, having picnics, sharing breakfast in a small town, letting the ocean tickle my toes. There's truly no price that can fit the value of walking down new roads and enjoying someone else's company. 

I've really pushed myself this year.

I worked the hell out of myself when it came to learning new things. I took up new internships, met new people, and reminded myself to do my best at everything. I made mistakes along the way, and I'm still doing my best of becoming a better version of myself. Whether that's being more mindful of my words, or to be more understanding of people's experiences. I said "yes" to opportunities that have brought me outside of my comfort zone. I knew when to say "no" so that I could focus on myself. I put in effort to show love, care, and joy to people around me. I'm glad I got to share that experience with familiar and new faces.

I found enough courage and trust in myself to take chances.
Although it was scary at first, I'm happy with the way things have turned out. I've learned to give myself more credit for the heart that I'd doubt. I second guessed quite a lot and juggled the "what if" questions - and it was important that I didn't ignore them. And that I didn't give up. There are reasons for my thoughts and I had to have those conversations with myself. I opened up about my personal life and was vulnerable when having uncomfortable conversations. I was honest with myself and others. I'm grateful for those heart-to-heart moments of understanding, respect, and clarity.
It'll still take me a while before I can find a balance between reasoning with my heart and with my mind. 

Plans don't always work out and I'm at a place right now where I'm okay with that. There were moments where I felt better to let go and move on - and I feel prepared to make those decisions again.

I feel very grateful for what 2019 has been for me.
My health, home, family, friends. I'm lucky enough to share love with someone new in my life.

Most importantly, I'm falling more in love with myself and the process of growing into who I am becoming.

So long 2019.
Talk soon!
:)