Another Year

 I find it strange to think that another year has gone by so quickly. 

And no one really knows how complicated time can feel until you live it. Idioms, books, and conversations about life can't capture that sense of losing time. 

The incriments of change in my life only looks monumental whenever I look back. But in the moment, it feels right.

I had the fortune of my health, my family, my friends, and the opportunities that came my way. And for the mistakes that taught me lessons... as well as the reoccuring mistakes that have yet to make the lessons stick in my head haha. And that is really all I ask for.

I find it easier these past few years to enjoy the process of growing, learning, and trying again. Embasrrassment doesn't hinder me the same way and that's a big improvement in my book. I have more confidence in myself and I feel that returned too. I'm okay right now. And that is really all I ask for.

All the while of gaining some peace in myself it is always met with the opposite.

Fear and anxiety continue to run through my veins everytime I step out in the world. Afraid whether my skin, race, ethnicity, gender, or any other component of my humaness will be met with violence. And if not inflicted on myself then someone else. The staggering stories on the news can only be ignored for so long. 

World issues will never be solved overnight. Afterall, humanity is trying to undo the repercussions of the past. All the while others continue their negligence and ignorance for their own bliss. It will always be a war when it comes to these moral grounds and I hope I am adding positivity somehow. If not now, when?

Things come and go.

People come and go.

We come and go.

And so it goes. 

So why not move through places with what we strive to have? And share it with others?

Tranquility, kindness, warmth, empathy, passion, generousity, truth, humor, vigor, and peace.

I can only hope that the next year will bring what I need. If not, that I will have what will guide me to whereever I may go.

x Vicky

Hopping Between

I'm trying to spend less time on my screen, exercising, and being less plugged online.

Hopping between scrapbooking, painting, reading, gardening, and possibly rollerblading? I saw some videos of Jason Mraz rollerskating, and it looks SO fun. I miss it. The only time I've been in skates is ice skating, but that's not the same. I think it's the gliding aspect. Seems so freeing to be able to just roll elegantly across the ground. 

Nonetheless, all my hobbies seem to require money haha.

I don't mind though. I've been meaning to scrapbook all my mementos I've collected over the years. I already love stationary and stickers. Plus, it's a nice reflective process of putting together photos, reflecting on better times, and fun travel.

It's tough though, because I still have a long movie/show list to get through... In due time :p

I made some good headway with my scrapbook (technically, scrapbinder) but I'm waiting for some double-sided tape to arrive from Amazon (bleh, Jeff Bezos... but also –– why is the tape so expensive?!? Now I know why there's so many jokes about people stealing office supplies from work). So in the meantime, I'm going to try returning to writing. 

Thinking of taking a stab with some stories I've left in the dust. Maybe my future book?

Oh –– I forgot, I finished my thesis film haha! 

I've worked on it for so long that it's crazy I actually finished editing it May. I kind of abandoned it since March. I was stuck on it for a while –– unsure how to tie loose ends and create a cohesive story. Let it behold, a festival deadline was the way that pushed me to finish it. I'm pretty happy with the way it turned out. It's definitely different going from the idea, to script, to production, to editing. It's evolved in every stage and I think this is the best it could've come out.

The time pressure made me reevaluate and rethink lots of the floating parts I had. For the most part I scraped 30% of what I had done and redid it with more direction and intention. Which was the right way to go. Something more simple and straight forward.

Anyways, I'm gonna try and do some writing with some good ol' pen and paper. And a lil bit o' typewriter.

Shows I've Been Watching

I've been disconnecting from most of social media these days, and it feels great. Sometimes it sucks though because I know that's how I keep in touch with people (and memes), because apparently texting is out dated :p But at least I still talk to the people I'm closest with and they know I'm still around.

In the mean time, I've been watching a lot of tv shows when I'm not working or just chilling at home. These are all on Hulu but I don't think I'm missing out on much on Netflix, etc. 

• Ugly Betty

I was watching this show for a few months and finished all 4 seasons. I didn't know it was a take on an existing telenovela for a while, but it makes sense with how much DRAMA happens. There's some really good characters, story lines, and the ending of the show felt right. It's funny because I've watched Superstore for years beforehand, and seeing American Ferrera in her mid-20's is so different (besides the fact I've MET her too!!)

• Superstore

Speaking of American Ferrera... it's kinda odd to see her not on the last season anymore. I'm glad she's coming back for next week's SERIES FINALE. Which by the way, suckssss. I can't believe the show wasn't renewed :( It's SO FUNNY. It's honestly one of THE BEST comedy shows I've watched ever. This and Brooklyn Nine Nine always swap around as my #1. And everything else falls under those two, including: Friends, The Office, The Good Place, etc. Ugh, each character is AMAZING. I'm so glad Sandra is on the show, she's the true MVP.

• Bob's Burgers

I started watching this last year and it's really nice to put in the background. The family dynamic is so funny! It's the only show that's still airing, so it's a nice thing to look forward to when I log onto Hulu.

• Pen15

There's only 2 seasons, but I can't WAIT for them to start season 3. I've heard about this show and had it saved to watch later. I'm so glad I did, because I've never cringed, cried, laughed, and felt so connected to anything before. I've wanted to crawl into my own skin watching these two best friends surviving middle school. They've hit all the marks on the pre-tween awkwardness that I've felt. And all the crushing struggles of what I thought was my whole life too. I think it's brilliant and fresh.

• Woke

First off, you gotta know that Lamorne Morris is an amazing actor. No doubt. I've loved him in "New Girl," and he's even better here. This is a comedy that feels more grounded in reality and seriousness –– a change of tone from what I usually watch (which is a lot more lighthearted). I'm excited to see season 2 because there's a lot of ways that his character can go, and I think a lot of people should watch this too.

• Venture Bros

I'm beginning to rewatch this show again, and it's just as funny as the first time. I feel like I understand the references more now that I already know the characters. Everyone is so ridiculous, and it's such a niche sense of humor. It's nice that I can make inside jokes with my bf about this show haha.

Other than shows, I've started playing World of Warcraft Classic. I'm not much of a gamer person (other than Maplestory in middle school), so I was pretty surprised at how fun it's been :) It's been almost 2 months and I'm level 31 wooooh. 

I should read more though, I've been saying that for a long time ;p

Tired

 I find it weird –– if not tiring, that I am motivated to write when I feel something. Pain, anger, sadness, confusion, happiness, and all the messy colors and emotions in between.

It gets draining. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I am too sensitive, too emotional, or too dramatic. Yet, those are the same questions that I've tried to dispute over the years. Because being all those things make me more in touch with myself. Those feelings validate my experiences and I'd like to think it makes me more human –– and less of a pair of legs and eyes that is caught up in the addiction to the internet.

But there is so much that I, and anyone else, can hold onto. There's only so much of those emotions I can carry on my shoulders and in my chest until it pours out in unexpected or inconvenient ways. After all, it's much more convenient to hide it all and bury it. 

It eventually does get tiring, things begin to wear down and carve pieces out of you. I haven't figured out if those carved out pieces leave me with holes, or leave me with less weight. It's a toss up because it often feels like both. I get numb and fatigued of what gets thrown at me, get thrown at other people, or what I throw at myself. To feel so angry, confused, and sad most of the time –– where I am trying my best and not enough too. 

Writing helps a lot though. Lets me put these feelings down into letters, words, and sentences the best I could. Either that or crying... occasionally screaming into a pillow. It takes a few tries to get the right feelings out. It usually lingers for a while until I feel like I can lift my head, then my arms, back, and legs –– lifting all of my body until I'm sitting up again. Ehh, so my shoulders are slumped a little; not everyone is going to have the perfect posture. We all have something that's putting weight on our lives.

These days I feel more scared, angry, and sad. Mainly because there's a lot to be upset about. 

I feel like my efforts sometimes aren't recognized. The things I sacrifice –– whatever that even means for people these days. And that I'm putting my energy, emotion, and care into people that disregard it because they think they know better for themselves. And so I'm left with –– "well what am I here for then?" How much more can I give, only to feel hurt back? It only feels more draining to be around them too. Because I just think, "I can't with you." And they feel the same. So the cycle continues, and I feel more and more tired. And when I gain a little more energy, sometimes it gets drained a little more. I try not to let it happen, to distract myself and move on. But moving on can still feel shitty when people are still shitty and draining –– let alone not changing or caring the fact that they are.

This pandemic brings the ugly out of people –– and overshadows the sliver of love and care.

Goddamn am I tired of this.