Self Doubt and Sabotage

I am a over thinker.
My thoughts would spiral downwards, and I'll end up in a pit of self doubt. It's quite a dramatic way of wording it, but having self doubt makes a chain reaction of bad judgement and decisions.

This feeling of doubt would kick in when I try to convince myself that I should say "yes" to any opportunity. Will it make me uncomfortable and challenge me in a new way? Well, yeah -- but I want to push myself to experience new things.

But then there's a conflict in my conscience of "can I actually do this?"and "do I have the time for this?"

I'd doubt my skills and capabilities, and I would tell myself that I don't have enough knowledge or education compared to other people. There were so many times were I thought, "This is cool! But I don't think I'd be able to do it, because I'm not good enough." I would underestimate myself and I'd feel guilty for disappointing others and passing up new things. A pang of regret would come back later and I'll be asking myself what would happen if I didn't give up on myself. If I allowed myself to explore things.

At the same time, I ask myself whether it's logical for me to try do new things. Sure it'll be a great experience, but do I have the time? Does it make sense to add something into my schedule? Would I have time to put my focus on a project or event?

We only have 24 hours in a day, and it stresses me out when I look over my calendar and notice how little spaces I have to accomplish tasks. The issue of whether I'd be able to realistically multitask in the mist of everything else that's going on in my life, is a question I'm constantly asking myself. And I noticed that my busy schedule of being a student is one of the biggest factor that actually makes me say "no."

During the times I do say "yes," sometimes I'd have to go back to my word and cancel.
In my opinion, canceling on someone/something is one of the most self destructing and self sabotage action I can do.

I am already an indecisive person, so I get even more stressed when I'm unsure on finalizing my decisions. So, when I change my mind on things, I feel like I've set myself up for failure.

For example, a friend recently asked me to help her edit a trailer for her documentary. I was beyond happy and honored. But because I'm still learning a lot about filmmaking and editing, I wasn't very confident in my capabilities compared to a professional editor. Her deadline was also after all my midterms and assignments, so it would be tight time management for me. I knew by saying "yes," I would gain experience, but I'd face the consequences of losing track of my classwork, studies, and possibly my attention to the trailer. On top of that, I never really believed in myself, and I didn't want to risk the chance of disappointing someone's expectations. By thinking in this way, my lack of confidence has already convinced me that I'll fail anyways. It's a lose-lose fight between myself.

The pros and cons of any situation can be confusing.
You can go with the choice that saves you from stress and mental health issues, but prevents you from experiencing something; Or, you can go with the choice that gives you stress, but introduces you to new experiences.

Making choices is a coin toss of how much you're willing to risk, or give up. The process of choosing what to do can be a self destructive thing that worsens anxiety, fear, and motivation.

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Looking back at my past choices, I've noticed how I'm always sabotaging myself. Whether it's sabotaging relationships with people, or the choices I've made. My stomach's been twisted with the cringe-worthy regret I have now.

My doubts would get in the way of communicating with others, and figuring out what I wanted to do with my connection with them. Do I care enough about them to give them my attention? Should I care about this person? What is this person's purpose in my life, and are they adding any value? How does this person feel about me?

The more questions I asked, the more I was confused with what I wanted and what I needed. When I would look back at my words and actions, I'd realize how my indecisiveness prevented my relationship with others to develop.

Time has passed since my moments of destruction, and I couldn't mend the issues anymore. All I could do now is to move on and be more aware of what I do.

Do you feel the same?
Thinking back to your past, have you noticed this sense of self doubt or sabotage?

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If you've been reading my blog for a while, you might've noticed how I tend to circle back to my thoughts, mindset, emotions, mental health, and so-called "philosophy." Although I never specifically say "oh, today I'm going to talk about my crappy mood," but I do mention the things that run through my head.

Most of these topics have been sitting in my mind for weeks, months, and sometimes years. I've written them down in journals, and it has taken me time to share them. I would sit on my thoughts and let them simmer until I get a better understanding of myself, and figure out what those thoughts mean over time. It's a sliver of what goes on around me, but it's a start.

I hope these posts have been therapeutic or helpful in any way as it has for me.

Warm hugs
x Vicky

My Skin Care Routine

To be honest, I'm pretty lost when it comes to a skin care routine.
Anything skin, hand, or hair care is a whole realm that I have yet to learn about.

I would usually stick to one facial scrub or cleanser to wash my oily face at the end of the day, but I'd still have blemishes. But I recently I went to The Body Shop and had someone give me tips, and they showed me some steps to take better care of my skin. And let me tell you, after I sat down at The Body Shop and had some products tested on my face, boyyy did my skin feel NICE and ALIVE.

Like I said before, I have quite oily skin. I'd feel sweat, oil, and dirt get on the bridge of my nose and between my eyebrows. Yuck. I have bad habits of picking at my skin and baby hairs when I get stressed, so my grimy hands just makes my skin more gross. To get rid of that feeling, I use to use charcoal cleansers everyday -- bad move.

Even though the charcoal left a satisfying clean feeling, it was actually pulling out too much oil and moisture from my skin. After all the oil was sucked out of my face, my skin had to compensate for the dryness by producing even more oil.

This blogpost is about the routine that works for me, so let me know if you have different ways or thoughts on skin care! I'll leave the products that I use below every step, and I linked them if you want to check them out too!

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My skin care routine:

1. Wash your face with warm water.

I try to get rid of as much excess dirt from my skin with some warm water and a face/hand towel. I like to think that the warm water lets the steam open up my pores. It feels refreshing anyways!

















2. Use a cleanser.

Think of a cleanser as makeup remover. You're taking off any of the remaining grime on your face.
The Tea Tree foaming cleanser I use acts as a balance for the pH levels on your skin, and tries to even out the oil and shine on your skin. It's good to use gentle cleansers so you're not stripping away everything on your face, because it could create more problems!

Product: The Body Shop Tea Tree Skin Cleansing Foaming Cleanser

3. Use a toner.

You don't have to use a toner, because the purpose of toner is similar to the cleanser. Toner helps balance your skin tone, clean the skin, and control oil production. So, you can choose to alternate between toner and cleanser.

To use toner, dab a good amount into a flat cotton pad and smoothen it all over your face. Wait a minute or two before you wipe your face clean with a wet face towel.

Product: The Body Shop Chinese Ginseng & Rice Clarifying Milky Toner

















4. Moisturize.

After you've cleaned your skin, lock it in!
By using a moisturizer, you're adding back a layer of protection of moisture into your face. This nourishes and hydrates your skin after a long day.

Product: Kiehl's Ultra Facial Moisturizer
          Eucerin Skin Calming Daily Moisturizing Creme

5. Treating Blemishes.

I started using Tea Tree Oil for my blemishes, and it's been amazing. I could actually tell a difference in the size of the angry red spots on my forehead. After a day or two, the redness subdues and it's practically gone!

Use a cotton bud / Q-tip and add a few drops of the oil on one end, and dab on any red spots or blemishes.

I use to use all kinds of acne facial scrubs, lotions, and concentrates that had beads, benzoyl peroxide, charcoal, citrus, etc to treat my blemishes (Neutrogena, St. Ives, Clean & Clear, Oxy, and Asian beauty products). They would help only for a short period of time, and didn't help me control the angry red spots on my face. Sometimes my skin would end up feeling really tight and it would look like plastic. It would feel clean in the shower right after I've washed it off, but a few minutes later it feels like someone put a layer of floor wax on my face.

The best advice I have for you is to try to keep your skin care routine a constant. If you're always using different products and brands each week it'll confuse your body and more problems could come up.  Learn more about your own skin, and see how it reacts to certain products. Do you notice any significant changes?

Product: The Body Shop Tea Tree Oil



5. Serums.

This step is optional.
Use whatever serums, concentrates, or creams you like. Whether it's for wrinkles or dark circles, use it before you moisturize.

The youth concentrate in the picture above rejuvenates your skin to look and feel healthier, smoother, and softer.

Product: The Body Shop Drops of Youth

6. Face masks.

Treat yourself to spa days at home! Invite some of your friends too if you want to have a pamper day! Wash your face clean, use a face mask, and relax.

Product: The Body Shop Japanese Matcha Tea Pollution Clearing Mask
          The Body Shop Tea Tree Anti-Imperfection Night Mask
          Fresh Black Tea Instant Perfecting Mask

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I try not to use products on my skin everyday, so I can let it breathe. I'd typically do this routine every 2 or 3 days (depending how oily my skin's feeling). And on the days where I don't do anything, I'd just wash my face with warm water.

I hope this was helpful! :)
It feels nice and different to do something beauty related. I'm pretty sure I'm still 70% clueless on beauty topics though.

x Vicky

A Fresh Start

Do you smell that crisp Autumn air?
I'm so excited for the Fall and Winter!
It's getting chilly in the mornings here in New York, and I'm ready to embrace my sweaters and hoodies!

But every Fall, is the sad reminder that school is starting soon :(
Well for me, I started college in late August, so I'm already feeling the school blues.


College is a new start for me that I didn't get in high school, so I was excited and nervous at the same time. New classes, friends, and campus!

When I was making my schedule and picking out my classes, I was so glad that I didn't have math. Wooh! And I'm finally taking courses that I'm actually interested in. My high school didn't have much variety, so I only had a certain selection. But now, I'm taking film classes, psychology, art, and more! The lectures have been great so far, all my professors seem really friendly and engaged with the class. I'm still trying to get use to the long lectures, because I get antsy after sitting in uncomfortable seats for 2 hours straight. But I'm looking forward to how the rest of the semester will play out!

Making friends was kinda nerve wrecking. Everyone was rushing from class to class, so it was hard to find people who had the same schedule as me. But I've managed to talk to some of my classmates, and they've been really kind and fun to get to know.

I'm commuting between home and college, so I've been struggling to wake up early D:
I would try to do something productive on the train ride, like reading, but I end up sleeping... haha!

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If you're heading to school soon, or already in school, here's some thoughts I always remind myself!

1. Don't care.

Walk down the hallways looking straight, not at the people passing you.
I learned to not blink twice at people sometimes. There are moments when I tell myself, "Okay, that person's not important right now. I don't give two flying cruds of what they're doing right now." As dumb as it sounds, this includes scrolling on Instagram, Facebook, and Snapchat to see what your friends are doing every second.

2. Pace yourself.

Try not to overwhelm yourself with work. Find a rhythm that works with you.
I am constantly organizing everything, and writing to-do lists.
Be sure that you know what you're doing, and do it with focus!

3. Trends are only temporary.

Don't follow others. This includes fashion, tech, and food trends.
Trends come and go, so don't get too hooked on things and lose focus.
Fashion and technology seems to be the biggest thing that students spend money on -- when you really shouldn't. If you're like me, clothes and the latest tablet is the least of my concerns. Because I know that in a few months, the hype moves on and people will be buying a whole new wardrobe to fit in with everyone else. I say do what is smart, not trendy.

MOST IMPORTANTLY

4. Be selfish of your time.

Find time for yourself, do what you like.
Read, write, paint.
Walk around naked in your room, dance in the shower, sing in the stairwell.

Basically, take a breather.
If you don't find some kind of outlet, the stress is only going to build higher.

x Vicky

The Thing with Having a "Best Friend Forever"

I didn't think I had a best friend until a few years ago. Mainly because I didn't have labels for it. I knew who I was the closest to, and who I could trust. That was until one of my closest friends was hurt that I didn't call her my "best friend forever," BFF.

In that moment, I felt surprised and guilty. So I gave in and started calling her my best friend. And in hind sight, this really showed how submissive I could be at times -- just giving what people what they want to hear, so they could feel a bit better about themselves.

I wish I wasn't like this all the time. Let me explain what I mean by this.

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I was at a workshop a few months ago that was talking about gender, sexuality, and knowledge about discrimination and persecution. I was really interested in what the instructor was saying, because I've never been around an adult who really delved into this topic before. And I've never felt like my classmates or friends were serious enough to talk about this topic with me before.

At this workshop, was about 15 or so high school students. We were all doing a few warm ups and exercises, and we started a discussion that confronted something I've been trying to hide.

I was afraid of my best friend. And that maybe -- she wasn't even my best friend at all.

Now, you might be wondering "how did you get from talking about sexuality and gender -- to being afraid of your so-called-BFF?"

Well, we were doing a exercise that put things into perspective.
The instructor asked us to think of someone we thought as a BFF. The person we could trust, confine in, and care about. Now, imagine ourselves as someone who has not come out yet (as gay, trans, however we wanted to imagine ourselves).

And the instructor said, "Now ask yourself, is your BFF the first person you come out to?"

The immediate answer that came into my mind was -- No.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized how I'm not comfortable around my BFF as I use to. How I still keep things from her. How I feel like she couldn't understand me in some ways. How we disagree on most things, and how most of the times we end up being passive aggressive. I felt like I needed to please her -- from my taste in clothes, makeup and music.

It was unsettling to confront myself about. Because deep down, I've confronted myself about this issue before. And I knew it was a unhealthy friendship in the beginning.

We've had arguments before. Ones that lasted 10 minutes. Ones that lasted weeks. And we would make up by apologizing without really trying to fix what had happened in the past. Instead, we would brush it off and blame each other in our minds. I hated these mind tricks. It was such fake and bullshit apologizes, but I didn't want to lose a friend.

One of these instances of where I confronted myself about this, was a fight I talked about in my past blog post. If you want to read about it, it's my "Mushed Thingy Mabob of a Mess ~ Part 3."
Well, let's revisit this.

Throw back to the Summer of 2015.
We were Skyping each other, and I thought, "Okay, I'll just tell her the truth about how I feel about our toxic-ish friendship"
I had started off the conversation wrong by asking, "Who do you think is a bitch in our friend group?"
Yeah... literally -- the worst choice of words.
Eventually, I told her she was a bitch sometimes too. And I wasn't really defending her when she started talking about other people's behaviors. And I could see her frustration on her face.

She asked me why I was bringing this up, and she looked so annoyed. I couldn't speak. Literally couldn't speak. I had to turn away from my webcam because I was starting to cry. I didn't know why, but it just happened. Eventually, we ended the video call and continued the conversations through texts. I just wasn't the same. I couldn't get my points across about how I felt like she wasn't acting as the supportive friend I was being to her. She would say the same about me, and I understood.

We eventually patched up things. She even wrote me a song to apologize. And when she sang it to me. When she said she was sorry. I didn't feel like she was.

At the time, I told myself that this fight was going to make us stronger friends. But it didn't. We were still our passive aggressive selves that didn't know how to just say, "you are such a crap friend," to each other's faces. Things went back to the way there were, and we tip toed around our flaws.

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In the past year or two, I've recognized certain people that weren't good friends. That didn't serve much importance to my life. They've taught me the mistakes I shouldn't make again, and I've distanced myself from them. I've said to myself -- they're immature and have yet to grow up. They're not adding anything to my life, and have used me in the past. You're toxic. You're not worth my energy and breath. I deserve better. Goodbye.

Little would I have considered my BFF as one of those people.

Don't get me wrong.
I've thought that I could cut myself off from my best friend before. But I never went through with it. It was more like "screw you, don't talk to me." Then, a week later, I'd say "Oh heyyyyy! Nothing happened at all! Let's hang out today!"

And now, I can say that my "best friend forever," may not be the BFF I thought she was.
She has her flaws. I have my flaws, there's no lying about that.
But I think this is more about how I can grow as a person without having a BFF. I don't need to confine in anyone. I don't need to share every detail about my life. I don't need to rely on anyone but myself.

So I shouldn't feel like I need to wear makeup around her. I shouldn't have to feel like I have to care about everything she says. I shouldn't have to feel hurt when she's annoyed at me.

Screw that.

A few days ago, my coworker used the phrase "emotional vampire" to describe a few people. And my best friend is kind of like a emotional vampire. It's just so draining sometimes, and I just need a break. From her. From drama. From feelings. From people in general.

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In the past 2 weeks or so, I've had a break from my "BFF."
She got annoyed with me because I wasn't giving her the advice she wanted to hear, and I just got fed up. I was done with having to explain myself. I was like "fine, okay." And we haven't spoken since then.

And I feel so FREE. I could breathe.
I've been at peace with myself, not feeling like I owe anyone anything. I've just been by myself, doing my own things. And it feels right.

I didn't know how good this would feel.
I know our friendship definitely won't be the same anymore, but I'm more than fine with that.

I want to be a friend that coexists in our own worlds, not the same world. I need my space, and I need a friend who has their own space. I don't need to have someone depend on me, and vice versa.

I'll just go back to not labeling my friends.

x Vicky

Doodles from the Office

A collection of my 6 weeks of interning this Summer.

The Hardest Things to Say Out Loud

Hello

Not Now

I Wished 

Don't Worry

Just Go

I Miss You

Where Were You

Leave Me Alone

I Forgot

Why Now

Stay

I Hate You

Later

I Think So

It'll Be Okay

We Can

Maybe Next Time

Don't Go

I Don't Know

Listen To Me

I Like You

I Love You

Goodbye

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Take care of yourself
x Vicky

5 Things I Learned in High School

1. Know who to be friends with.

Surround yourself with those who understand you, and will help you grow.
To be blunt -- some people suck, and you just have to deal with it. You're bound to be annoyed at someone, something, someplace. That's life.
It's good to know who you'd rather stay close or distant from, because it lets you understand who matter more to your life. Remember, just because they get on your nerves, doesn't mean that you need to make enemies. Learn to recognize those who reciprocate the same care that you give. In the end, the people that you can connect with, are those who will make everyday a little bit more bearable.

2. Do the things you like.

Finding hobbies or interests is literally the best thing you can do.
It gives you the chance to learn a little bit about yourself. What you like, what you don't like. These realizations will come in handy when you're trying to decide in a college or job. Or just be a outlet from your mind.

I always ask people if they have any interests, and it concerns me when they say "I don't know."
You are you. How do you not know what you like?
My answer is, explore! Go do something!
Don't ever stand there, not knowing that there's endless paths to find yourself along the way.

3. Be you.

Stop comparing yourself to others, because (as cheezy as it sounds), there's only one you in this whole word. And no one, can be a better you, than yourself. So stop trying to be like others, because it's a waste of time if you're not being who you are.
Who gives a crap if you're not this, or not that. People have their own issues that you're not aware of, they're trying to get by just like you.
Stay true to yourself where ever, whenever.

4. Find time for yourself.

With all the shit I've been through, stress has been in my blood since day one.
I have worked my ass off, and my tired eyes are proof. Sometimes my efforts go noticed, and then there's moments where it doesn't. The amount of sleep I get these days is unhealthy, and I often forget to take care of myself. It's easier said than done.
I've lost time, energy, and motivation to do the things I enjoy, because I had to prioritize other things in front -- and it pains me to say that.

Maybe in the future, I'll have more opportunities to find myself again. Or lose myself.

5.  Don't be alive -- live.

Live the spirit that's inside of you.
Live with a light heart that can laugh, smile, and be silly at random times. But have a heavy heart that can understand compassion, love, and everything in between.

Dance in the middle of the street with your friends like there's no one watching.
Laugh so hard that you can't breathe.
Sing loudly in empty hallways until the echos call back to you.
Stay out at night with your friends and forget the world.

Savor these moments, because they're all that you'll have.

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A collection of thoughts over the past 4 years.

It's 1:25AM, June 26, 2017.
I'm graduating tomorrow.

x Vicky