Silent Warm Nights

Heyooooooooooo!!!!

Sorry, I had to just dump a bunch of things off my chest from the last few posts. They were just things I wanted to update you on, and talk about. It may not seem like certain blogs that are centered around beauty, cooking, lifestyle, etc. but I wanted to have a platform to share personal things with you.

If you get to know me, you'd learn that I'm a realist with a pessimistic view. With that in mind, this blog is a way of seeing my perspective on the highs and lows of this screwed up world.

Now that you're up to date, let me tell you about my summer so far :)

During July and August, I joined a documentary program to pursue my interest in film making.
I always enjoyed writing and photography, and I dabbled in film making a few years ago. Overtime, I always wrote down mini short stories and thought about forming them into short films. Eventually, my love for film started to grow stronger.

Everything just fit together so well.

I knew creating films would be something I couldn't let go of. Ever since I was a part of a small film club during my sophomore year in high school, my aspiration grew. I enjoy everything about it, the filming and editing process is worth the time and effort when you get to see the outcome.

For the program I took this summer, my partner and I created (in my opinion) an amazing documentary on my close friend. Similar to the first short film I made at school, this documentary had a (not "dark" - that word gets thrown around too much and lost it's meaning for me)... let's say, insightful, meaningful, and powerful message.

Our documentary covered teen depression.

I won't get into much detail about the topic or else I'll go off into a really long tangent. For the film process, it took us a while to finally settle down on a production day but everything worked out.

The screening hasn't happened yet, it's on the 28th. I'm kind of nervous about whether the audience will like the film or not. At the same time, I really want to do my close friend justice in how she is presented and interpreted in the documentary.

She is honestly one of those close friends that can put on a smile on your face doing the craziest and silliest things. On the other hand, when you turn the leaf, she can be the sweetest and quirky person. She doesn't open up (completely) to many people, but I'm glad that I can be there when she needs to talk about things on her mind.

The day after the screening, well, not day... more like morning. Around 6 in the morning, my family and I are catching a plane to Cancun, Mexico for a family vacation. I don't get much sleep anyways, so I don't think it'll be bothered that much to wake up at 4AM.

It's supposedly fun, but the weather in Cancun doesn't seem promising. Either rainy days for the week, or a surprise change in weather. I'm fine with rainy and cold weather, it's probably my second favorite (after snowy days).

I'm not very fond of the idea of vacations :\
Am I the only one?

I feel like they're just an excuse for people to pretend that everything is okay, when it isn't. It's just a distraction from dealing with reality until you get back (what some may call) "home." Sure it could be all "fun" and stuff, but I can never be truly enjoying my time. I honestly can't remember the last time I was actually happy.

Well, not in the past 5 years.

After all, happiness and bliss can blind.

(See my pessimistic side coming through my thoughts and writing?)

It doesn't really bother me that much, I've gotten use to this numb feeling. This makes up who I am, and I can't pretend that everything will be okay. I can't "believe," "hope," or "wish" for things that aren't true or realistic.

Although, it can be frightening.

Speaking of frighting (kind of).

I got a job!

The same friend I talked about previously was interning at her mom's work place, and had offered me a position with her. It's a really nice place to work at. Everyone is friendly and fun to be around, and make time fly by.

Our last week of work is actually this week, because we're both going on a family vacation. Then I'm starting my junior year the week after getting back from Cancun.

:(

I actually enjoy working, and I don't want to go back to school. There's still a lot of things I want to do. With school, I don't have much time to pursue those things.

For example, for the past few months, I've been writing another short story. It's still a work in progress, and I plan on finishing and publishing it by the end of this year. There's so many ideas scribbled on scrap paper and post its, I can't wait to actually stitch them into a story.

Even though the time is ticking for school, I managed to accomplish a milestone (in my eyes).

This month, I finally uploaded a few videos of myself on my YouTube channel! I was surprised that some of my subscribers actually watched my first video. Even if it was a few people who commented, their support and kind words delighted me. Of course, there's nothing without it's opposite (the people who thumbs down in this case). It doesn't bother me at all, I mean, we are talking about the internet. Plus, everyone's entitled to their opinion.

For my second video, I climbed out my kitchen window...
I won't give it away, so click here to find out what I'm talking about.

The view was nice, and the weather made everything else better. The afternoon air was crisp with the occasional cool breeze. I felt like I could... actually breathe for a while, in the peace and quiet. I was just... hanging.

Above the ground.
Above everything.

Well, almost.

Okay, this is it! Sorry for the abrupt ending, but this is my Summer summarized and generalized. There's still little bits and bobs I want to talk about, like what I did on my free time with friends and things like that. New places I visited and stumbled upon.

Until next time, bye ~

Mushed Thingy Mabob of a Mess ~Part 3

I swear this is the last part and I'll actually go on about how my Summer's going so far!

Catch up on what I've been babbling on, click here for part 1, and here for part 2.

Finally. I'm actually talking about June!

It wasn't the best.

I had to take a breather, which I feel is necessary for many people.

I took time off and away from my best friend. I never went on Skype, and ignored her messages. I just needed to sort things out with myself for a while.

After a month of radio silence, we had a bump in the road between each other.
To be completely honest, it's a conversation that everyone needs.

People just need to check themselves at times, even if it hurts or is hard.

For the 11 years that we've known each other, we've shared things and hid things. In my part, I've hid and pent up a lot of things.

I've thought about having this conversation with my best friend for a long time. When I thought it was time, it was hard to put my words together for her.

Even 10 minutes in, I couldn't breathe properly because my throat started closing up. I had to turn off my microphone and camera (we were video chatting on Skype), to let out a good and long cry.

It's not easy to feel trapped for such a long time, and be shot down constantly and feel like even the closest people can't help you. Mainly because they are the people who shoot you down.

You may not think it's a big deal or anything. But it is for me.
- Ugh, I'm even crying while I'm typing this out -

I had bottled up a lot of things that bothered me about our friendship.
How I didn't feel like she understood how she hurt me in the things she says.
The way she acts.
The way she hurts not only me, but others around her.
How I feel like I can't trust her with anything because of her quick judgment or assumptions.
She may not have realized it then, or even at that time we were having this conversation, but it was time for me to point it out.

This wasn't just me, targeting her. She pointed things out about me as well, and I understood the things she said. It's true. Honestly is honestly, but I still felt like she didn't understand because she turned things on me at times during our conversation. Or maybe she just didn't understand what I was trying to get at. She may have acknowledged it, but didn't let it settle long enough for realization.

I don't want this to sound like I'm being childish, whinny, and putting all the blame on her for making me feel this way. Of course I have things to work on myself, this is just something that I think will make our friendship stronger (in a way).

When you're being honest, it can bring people closer when you know what's on each others minds.

I ended up ending the video call, and continuing the conversation over messages.
A few days after ending the conversation, we eventually talked it out more and gradually went back to the way we were before.

School ended, and Summer arrived.
Ugh, the Summer weather in New York City can be horrible. It gets unbearably humid and moist, which makes the heat even worse.
This is why I love the Winter the most.

Well, this was my June.

:P

I'll talk to you in the next post, where I actually get into my Summer so far (even though it is mid-August).

Sorry about that...

Until then, bye ~

Mushed Thingy Mabob of a Mess ~Part 2

Hello again!

This is the second part of my previous post, which I'm updating you up more on my April and


If you haven't read my previous post, click here.
Okay, so, back to what I left off from...


After April, things died down in May - well, sort of.
My Chinese teacher assigned us a cooking project, where we had to make a cooking video using words we learned in class.

Being the person I am, I decided to do the project by myself because I'm an independent person. I mean, if this is the last and most important project of the marking period - I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want the possibility of other people dragging you down. (That may seem harsh, but we've all been there before when certain people slack off or something. It's not fun for a grade). I settled for a lemon blueberry muffin recipe since it was easy and delicious.



Our teacher thought it would be nice to give us a week or two in advance, since we had a three day weekend to work on the project. She also wanted us to bring in our dishes into class for a potluck on the same day the project's due.

Now, I didn't mind this at all. As someone who likes to be prepared, I didn't want to rush anything.
So I filmed a week before the due date, and the video's turned out well. A few days later, I started to transfer and edit the videos but the files got messed up while it was being compressed. So I ended up with no material to work with.

Great...

Then, I had to remake the video (at least it worked this time) the weekend before the due date. Finally, I had to make a new batch of muffins for the potluck since the previous batch would go bad if they're out too long.

Yup. For one project, I had to make 3 batches of muffins...

Sounds dumb right? But hey, at least I got the highest grade in the class though :D Woo, 99!

Anyways, moving on from my muffin madness...

Later on in the month, I went to an interview for a summer program for film making. I won't say much about this, because I want to talk more about this in another post.

May and June rolled around.
The mid-terms, exams, regents, and other hair ripping stress comes back around again. I remember days where I'd skip lunch to study, or had my face in notes whilst I walked class to class. The endless nights of review, where I didn't even have time to shower.

Some people may not take these exams as serious as me, or they might go farther in an extent.

I use to push myself to do good in school so I can show my parents you know?

To show them that, I actually have potential like my brother.
To show them that, I can be like the other kids that they compare me to.
To show them that...

I. 

Yes...

Me. 
Vicky.
Their daughter. 

Can be smart. Can be hardworking.
Actually, no.
I don't mean "can."

I mean, "am."

I am hardworking.

It never worked though. Honestly, I don't think it ever will.
I don't think I ever will be that kid that parent's brag about.

I don't want to say I'm "sad" about this because, I think that the word "sad" lost it's meaning in the way people use it nowadays.

I've gotten numb.

For example:

In New York City, incoming high schoolers can take the SHSAT's, which is a standardized test to see if you can get into one of the 7 specialized high schools in the city(I think there's more than 7 now). These 7 high schools are considered the top 7 in the whole city.

(Keep in mind, my brother got into one of the top 7 schools).

I asked my mom, what she would do if I got into Stuyvesant (what most people consider as the #1 high school).

Guess what she said.

She didn't say anything, she laughed.

She laughed in my face.
It wasn't a chuckle.
It was a oh-my-fucking-god-I'm-going-to-piss-myself kind of laugh.



It may or may not seem like a big deal to some people. But it messed with me for a long time.

I never told anyone about this.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I seem to go off on tangents a lot, sorry about that.

:\


At the same time, these things are what I want to share on here.

I want to go on about how my June went, but it'll probably drag this post on too long.
So, there will be a part 3 of this saga.

(Finally, haha).

Anyways, until then.
Bye!