Going Back to Old School

12:47 am

Hi from your regular night owl.

I think I'm going to go back to writing like I use to, just old school stream of consciousness. No planning on a topic or a overly-thought-out title.

I'm in the middle of trying to write a personal essay for a application, and I'm literally doing anything I can to avoid it - like usual.

I find it so frustrating having to explain myself, and reword ideas that I'm sure a thousand other people have said before me. Plus the competition of even getting chosen. Arg.

It's when we're put in complicated and difficult situations where decision-making become one of the only choices. I need to decide what to wrtiteeeeee - ahhhhh. I know I keep finding excuses - including typing this very moment - as a tactic of being too afraid to go through with something.

When will I be able to decide, and just go for something? These days I don't know what I want, because being comfortable is okay for me. But being comfortable isn't always good - ironically - I can say the same for new things. And when I do want something - I'm constantly doubting myself and asking:

Am I ready? Is this going to turn out well in the long run? Is this going to hurt me anyway? What are the consequences? Did I have enough time to prepare? Who's involved? What happens next?

I haven't found the switch in my head to just - SHH. It's usually when things don't go a certain way when I finally accept things in the way they are and move on...

I mean I'm alive, but I'm not living...

If only I were retired and could travel. Either one sounds blissful.

12:59 am
I'll get back to that essay now, bleh.