The Thing with Body Confidence

Body confidence.
Something that I don't have a lot of.
Something that I'm learning to have.

I think the first time that I became conscious and embarrassed of my body was in 3rd grade.
I was probably 8 or 9 years-old at the time.

It was nearing the end of the school year, and we were having free time in class.
There was a few of my friends crowded around a table playing a game.
That day, I was wearing a t-shirt and my favorite skirt.
It was a pastel pink with a little heart embroidered on it (I think it was from Children's Place).

I was standing up because there wasn't enough space to sit.
I was antsy as usual and doing little hops in place when my best friend's voice came from behind me.
"I can see your underwear!"

I could still feel the horror every time I think of that moment.
I froze in place and sat down in the nearest seat.

Looking back now, I think that was the moment I started to hate wearing skirts and dresses.
I felt overly cautious and I was constantly worrying how I looked like.

Eventually, I started hating my legs.
I started to hate my hair.
I started to hate my arms.
I hated my body.

I would pick and pinch the parts of my body that I wish I could carve out.
I never wore shorts, skirts, dresses. I only wore black jeans and hoodies, because they hid everything I didn't want to see. I refused to have my picture taken, because I would cringe at everything.

I still do these things today.
I mean, it's hard to break these thoughts.
There's so many things I'd want to forget about, but they manage to find a way to crawl back inside.

Sometimes, I feel stupid and selfish for feeling this way.
I'd think of those who don't have legs, arms, or hair.
And all my thoughts wouldn't seem reasonable anymore.

Everyone probably goes through similar things.
And I've been trying to dig less of a hole for me to hide in.
I've been doing things that make me comfortable in my own skin, even if they're not a big deal.
From reading comics and listening to music all day, to wearing sweatpants all week.

Yesterday has passed, and today will be the first and only day I'll experience.
I should at least try to make my life less of a negative soul in the world.

- take care of yourself
x Vicky

Wide Awake

Mmmph...
that's the sound I make when I can't sleep.

Over the past few years I've had a reoccurring issue of not being able to sleep.

It's a cycle that I can never adjust to.

There would be days where I'd be sluggish.

Then there would be days where I'd pull an all-nighter and still feel like I could take on the world.

It's odd, I know.
I'd always say it has to do with my internal clock, but sometimes it's just because my body is weird.

I'd randomly wake up in the middle of the night with a stuffy nose or a pounding headache, and I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep.

Giving up on sleep, I'd sit at my desk and try to empty everything out of my head.
Poems, doodles, stories, or whatever comes to mind -- it'll be on paper -- until I feel like going to sleep again.

Most of the time it's usually things that run through my mind.

I'm sure you might go through the same.

It gets so tiring.

I want to stop thinking, stop worrying, stop fearing the things that haven't even happened yet.

Hours would go by and the sun would be out.
A night would pass, and another day would come.

Loveless (For Now)

I don't quite understand love.

I mean, I've seen it in TV shows, movies, videos. In real life.

I watched couples grow into relationships, fall out, and so on. I feel like I have solid thoughts and ideas from listening and watching people.

I know love from a outsiders point of view, but never from the inside. 

Do I want to be in love?

I don't know.

When I was in middle school, I had classes with the same 60 kids for 9 years. From Kindergarten to 8th grade, I watched everyone grow up with me. So it was weird to think of the guys as more than crushes, when we would play kickball together. 

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I never thought of dating until I got into high school.
But I tried to steer clear from having crushes anyways.

It's ironic because I feel like the natural teenage response is, "I want to be loved! And to love!"

But I don't believe in being in a high school relationship. I thought they weren't genuine enough. People would date for the sake of dating. 

Of course there are exceptions to that, but I personally didn't see myself in a relationship.

I felt like I needed to be in a mature and serious relationship. Where I could really connect to someone. I've never met someone like that, and high school wasn't the right time or place for me.

You could say that love doesn't care where you are, when it happens, or how it happens. And I could agree with you on that. But if someone were to ask me out now, I'd probably say no. 
Even if this person was perfect to me, I'd probably say no.

I know I'm not ready to love someone because I haven't even been able to care for myself. 

It wouldn't be fair.

I have to grow before I can let someone in. 

The last thing I'd want, is to be seen as someone's to be fixed. 

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But don't get me wrong, I did have crushes here and there.

In the past, I'd get all nervous or awkward to talk around them.
I felt my body tense up whenever they were 15 feet away from me, and I felt like I was a self-conscious ant under a microscope.
It was that immediate feeling of just seeing them.

But that bubbly feeling would crash back down when the rest of my brain makes a reminder that I was just projecting these fake feelings.

I always told myself I wasn't the type of girl that was crushed on. 

My mind would say, "nope. He doesn't like you. Why do you like him anyways? He's just a friend, you like him as a friend. Not a crush."

And most of the time, it's true.
They were just being polite, and I would see it as a signal that they liked me back.
But that happens to most of us. What else can we think of? We were young and unaware.

For me, I'll stay loveless (for now) ❤

2016 Highlights

I wanted to look back at my year, and reflect on the things I've done.
I'll probably put my favorites in another blog post, because this is gonna be lonnnnggg.

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January

I took a walk during a snow blizzard and did some vlogging.

My phone froze after a while, and my fingers were numb >__<

February

I went to a pop up shop for the band, The 1975, with a few friends. We waited for like 2-3 hours in the cold, and we were SO close to them!
The band had to leave early to catch a flight, and we were pushed against a barricade so they could get to their car. My friend actually has a video of them leaving, haha.
Even though we didn't get to meet them, the shop was still pretty cool. 

March

I was out on a shoot for my film, "How to Be Bad," and I got the chance to go on a roof top.
The sun was setting... and I felt so small.
Everything seemed to slow down...

April

I got more crafty this year.
I bought some watercolor paints, a fountain pen, and I did some T-shirt designs -- which by the way, is more difficult than I imagined. I just bought some fabric paint, and I couldn't layer on colors like I hoped to.

May

I took a workshop at ABC studios called "Get Reel."

It was fun to meet and listen to industry professionals, and hear their tips and stories.

ABC Eyewitness News anchor, Sade Baderinwa and I

June

I finished my first independent film, "How to Be Bad" !! 

I made this with a labor of love and hate.

I spent about 7 months planning, shooting, and editing.

If I wasn't sticking post-it note reminders on my bedroom wall, I was up all night on my computer.

I laughed, I cried.

I was tired, I was confused.

I lost footage, I gained knowledge.

I questioned my values, I made new friends.

But most importantly, I loved.

I loved the process, I loved the outcome, I loved everyone who was with me along the way.

And I will continue to love, cherish, and remember them.

Ed and I at the premiere of "How to Be Bad" - June 10th 2016

I finished my Junior year in high school! Ahh! 

I think this was a important year of growing, feeling, and learning.

My sophomore year was horrible, and it was like a emotional and mental year-long hangover.

But junior year -- I was accepting what happened in the past.

I lost a family member, and I learned how to hold down my fort at home.

There was still times where I relapsed into those melancholic mindsets, but I learned how to handle it better. I got closer with some of my friends too, and they've definitely brightened up those days.

July

I went on a family trip to South Carolina and Virginia, and it was HOT.

We got to see a lot of nature-related landscapes, and we had a medieval-themed dinner. 

There was horses, jousting, turkey legs, and Scottish accents!

August

I got an internship!

I've meet some great people who are really inspiring, and have given me a new perspective on what it means to follow my passion. Their knowledge and advice has encouraged me to pursue what I love.

September - October - November

This was a pretty much a big mush of stress, panic, and tension.

College applications literally ate up most of my time, and was constantly on my mind.

December

I GOT INTO COLLEGE!!
AHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm more scared than excited.
I don't know what to dooooooo. What's next?!?!
There's so many adulty things I have to consider, and I don't know if I'm ready.
I mean, I want to move on -- but there's still a lot of things to take it.

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Sorry if this was a lot to read.
Dear future Vicky,
If you're reading this, here's a shortened version of what to take away from 2016:

Be open to new things.
I know it's something that you always tell yourself, but actually do it!

Love the people you have.
I know you've been trying to do this with your family, and I know it's awkward.
I know you're not willing to, because there's so many things you've held for resentment.
But do it anyways.
Your friends too. They are your friends for a reason, and I know friends are super important to you. So don't forget to remind them how important they are.

Remember to love yourself.
I know you've been through some things, and thought that the no one understands.
But give yourself some time, because you've made so much progress.
I'm so proud of you.

With much love,
Vicky

❄ My Childhood During the Holidays ❄

It's the full swing into the holiday season, and I've been reminiscing on the memories I've had about this time of the year.

This is going to be a blast from the past for me. Haha, it's story time with grandma Vicky!

It's been a tradition for my aunts, uncles, cousins, and family friends to all come around my home on Christmas Eve to celebrate the holidays. There would be a santa plushie on our couch, and a light-up snowman that was hung on our window.

All the kids would be sitting on our living room floor, and happily accepting the red envelopes and wrapped presents from the adults.

This was on Christmas Day 2010, I had just turned 11 years-old the day before.
*I'm cringing at my hoop earrings and wire glasses *


And I remember this specific year where my dad came home in the middle of the party. I don't remember if the box was wrapped or not, but it was probably the best gift I got as a kid. A plastic keyboard. And it was actually a working toy! I was so excited that I took it to the bathroom with my younger cousins, and we spent the rest of the evening pushing the black and white keys.

But now that I'm "too old" for gifts, I usually get presents from my brother. Which I'm super grateful for. It's funny because we never really said out loud that we would do that for each other. But I guess it started when he drew me little birthday cards when we were young.

These are some memories I haven't shared out loud before, so I hope you'll think back on similar childhood moments :)

Happy holidays from me to you, and I'll talk to you soon :)
~ Vicky

3 AM Thoughts

It's been December 24th for only 3 hours and 12 minutes so far.

The night sky is quite grey, so it's not really pitch black outside.
It's been lightly drizzling for a while, just like it was last year.

I couldn't fall asleep so I decided to write this while I lay in bed.
I turned my fairy lights on to make it feel more Christmasy, and this is just going to be me splurging out my thoughts.

Here's something --
I was born at 2:15AM on this night 17 years ago.
Yeah, I'm a Christmas Eve baby.

I wonder where my brother was.
He was only one year-old.
Was he asleep or awake when my mom was having me?

I wonder what my mom was doing when she realized she was going into labor. Or what she thought.
It was probably along the lines of "oh crap!" But in cantonese of course, haha!
She was probably like, "aww c'mon, I just want to sleep. I'm too tired to push this thing out."

(I'm silently laughing so hard right now, and I can't breath underneath my duvet. Hopefully my parent's don't hear me).

Crazy huh?

17 years.
Seventeen.

I'll probably come back to this page when I'm older, and think "Oh Vicky. So young and naive."

My birthday's don't ever feel like one... if that makes sense.
It would feel like it's just another day, nothing really special.
Since it would be the first day of winter break, I'd be sleeping in or doing homework most of the time.

Last year I went on a walk in the morning, and I think I'll make it my own little tradition. I'd go to a cafe for a hour or two and enjoy being alone. It gets me out of the house before some of my relatives come over, and I could get some peace and quiet for the day.

It's something that I've been trying to do this year.
It clears my mind a bit, and gives me some time to breathe.
It makes me feel a bit small... you know?
There's so many people in the world, and then there's just me.

I would think about all the people in the world on this day, and try to imagine what they're doing and how they feel.

There's kids and adults who are super excited for the holidays.
Loved ones who are spending their first holidays together, kids who may remember this time for the rest of their lives, or people who just love the festive period. The people who may not celebrate this time, or can't.

I wouldn't spend time having a giant birthday bash like most teens. I'd spend most of my time reflecting on the year I had, and what I've done or haven't done. It's a pretty downer time for me, but I like it.

My relatives would come over for dinner, and I would binge watch movies in bed or at my desk with my cousins. The fairy lights of my room would be on, and I'd be all warm underneath the blankets.

It's better than anything else I'd wish for.

That's it from me, I'm probably going to watch some movies until the sun comes out.
~ Vicky

❄ Christmas Gift Guide ❄

Happy holidays :)

How's December going for you?

Are you cozying up with a cup of hot chocolate? Watching movies at night? Bustling around to find the perfect gift for someone?

Well I hope you have time to slow down a bit and take in the festive time!

As I'm growing older, I know that my downtime is the most valuable thing!

I've been doing a bit of shopping recently, and I thought I'd share my gift giving thoughts :)

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Here are some gift ideas that you can give away (or ask for), I even made cute theme names! :)

❄ The Cozy Hug ❄

~ All I can imagine is laying in bed with some comfy pajamas on ~

These are the cutest socks! I got them at Target ($1) and was so surprised at how soft and fuzzy they were (or at least the middle one). 

I love everything Christmas and holiday themed! The PJ bottoms on the left are from Old Navy, and the middle and right ones are from Primark. They make the cold mornings in NYC all more festive and cute! 

❄ AHHH, by the way, I found out that there's going to be 2 Primarks in NYC :D Even though they're deep in Brooklyn and Staten Island, AHH!! ❄

A mug from Michaels Craft Store (aka, my favorite place to shop at -- besides Sur La Table). I got this as a gift for a White Elephant game, and I thought anyone could use a mug for some hot drinks at this time of year.

☆ Wright's Apothecary Bathing Infusions -- Lemongrass & Aloe, Olive & Fig, Rose & White Tea

☆ Blistex Lip Medex

It may seem a bit generic but it's always nice to treat someone with a good quality pamper session.

This is very Tumblry, haha. I took some Christmas lights and hung them around my bed to mix things up from the dull fluorescent color of my room. Even though it took me a hour to work the lights onto my bunk bed, it adds a bit of fun when I'm watching movies in bed.

I got The Room Essentials lights from Target ($6) for Secret Santa, and my friend  loves it! 

For the artist! 

I got these pens at Michaels Craft Store ($10), and they're really useful for anyone you know that loves sketching, drawing, or painting. 

❄ The Librarian's Trinkets ❄

~ Sometimes I think of myself as a old librarian at heart ~

Egghead - Bo Burnham

If on a winter's night a traveler - Italo Calvino

Invisible Cities - Italo Calvino

Cosmicomics  - Italo Calvino

These are my favorite books this year.

They're great for any bookworms looking for a escape route.

Disney's Tsum Tsum

THEY ARE SO TINY, CUTE, AND SQUISHY! 

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I hope these ideas were helpful :)

Much love and warmth,

~ Vicky