When Will I Know?

"You'll know when the moment's right."

How though?
It baffles me when I hear this because I don't know if I've been aware enough to think: "this is it."
Have you?

It's amazing and beautiful to hear stories of people knowing that they've found love, reached a peak of their life, made a decision they're a million percent sure about.
 But I don't think I've had that moment of certainty.

I'm the type of person who either plans everything to the dot, and yet, I feel that everything is out of my reach to control. It's a messy way of thinking and feeling. So at times when I feel as if I'm almost there - just by the finish line of whatever I'm doing - it isn't enough. I put my time, care, and passion to what I do, and I still feel like something's missing.

So when will there be a moment in my life of - preparation, anxiety, and fear - will I feel right?
After all the wrong turns and falling down will something feel like a final piece is fitting?

It's been hard. The things I've learned in life has made it so easy to forget what happiness is and was.

Happiness isn't the same anymore.
Sadness isn't the same anymore.

When will there be a time of feeling that this - is "just right"?

When will I know?

I Miss You

I don't really know what it's like to miss someone.
I've heard songs, I've seen movies, I've read books about it. But I don't think I've actually missed someone to the point where I long for their eyes, touch, or smile with a ache.

Sure, I miss some people.
The way their laugh sounds, the way they'd talk, and the way they'd move.
But I don't think it's the same as the way I wished it was.

These days I've been thinking about that feeling, and whether it'll be easier to let that aching slip over my walls one day. I know I shouldn't, because I know the more I think about it - the higher I'll build that expectation. And that's not fair for me, or who ever there will be someday.

Have you ever felt this way?

Sometimes I feel like I'm just desperate, and need to snap out of it. I've been listening to too many love songs, reading too many books, watching too many romcoms. I've fallen in love with just the idea - not the baggage, the compromises, the trouble of it all.

But at the same time, is it really that bad of a thing to do?
To wish for something magical? To want something close to me?
To be in love?

I ask myself these questions all the time. And I tell myself all kinds of things - sometimes it's true, sometimes I could be wrong.

So I just stick with what I have, what I know, and what I'm trying to figure out.

I'm trying not to think about it. Not want it.
It's a hard thing to do - but it's getting easier.

I'm focusing on myself. Doing what I love. Exploring new places. Trying new things. Enjoying old memories. Finding small dreams.

I'm trying not to worry about whether I should wait around to experience this moment with someone else. Rather than saving it, I'll live this moment.

Right?

~

Whoever you are, I miss you.

A Change

Have you ever had a moment where you knew you needed a change?
That you needed to see new things or do something different?

I've been noticing a few moments in my life like that recently.
Whether it be purging my closet from old clothes, reorganizing my desk, or deleting certain photos/social media. Things like that has made me notice how I've been hoarding things and creating clutter.

And it's been a good need for change.

It's a update, a desire to move on and refresh.
To cleanse my mind, surroundings, and emotions (in a healthy way of course).

I just gotten rid of almost like half of my closet, which is mostly T-shirts. Why hold onto something that isn't adding anything to my life? Sure it's comfortable and familiar. It can be bittersweet to cut ties from the sentimental values of things. But I know it'll be no use just collecting more dust and space.

So I pack it up, put it in a bag, and say my farewells.
It's a small step of progress.

In the long run, I know I'll be okay without it.

Going Back to Old School

12:47 am

Hi from your regular night owl.

I think I'm going to go back to writing like I use to, just old school stream of consciousness. No planning on a topic or a overly-thought-out title.

I'm in the middle of trying to write a personal essay for a application, and I'm literally doing anything I can to avoid it - like usual.

I find it so frustrating having to explain myself, and reword ideas that I'm sure a thousand other people have said before me. Plus the competition of even getting chosen. Arg.

It's when we're put in complicated and difficult situations where decision-making become one of the only choices. I need to decide what to wrtiteeeeee - ahhhhh. I know I keep finding excuses - including typing this very moment - as a tactic of being too afraid to go through with something.

When will I be able to decide, and just go for something? These days I don't know what I want, because being comfortable is okay for me. But being comfortable isn't always good - ironically - I can say the same for new things. And when I do want something - I'm constantly doubting myself and asking:

Am I ready? Is this going to turn out well in the long run? Is this going to hurt me anyway? What are the consequences? Did I have enough time to prepare? Who's involved? What happens next?

I haven't found the switch in my head to just - SHH. It's usually when things don't go a certain way when I finally accept things in the way they are and move on...

I mean I'm alive, but I'm not living...

If only I were retired and could travel. Either one sounds blissful.

12:59 am
I'll get back to that essay now, bleh.

Breathe

Hi there, it's been a while - well, a year.
It's 5:09am as I'm typing this (yup, pulling a all-nighter as usual). I've been catching up on TV shows, movies, and things I missed out along the way of this year. And I decided to take a break, stretch out my spine, haha, and try to write a new blog post.

I started this blog as a stream of consciousness, and I've still been writing - don't worry. In a mix of stray post-it's, random pages, and on my phone. I'm trying to collect my thoughts together as much as I can, I hope it's working.

A lot has happened this year.
2018... has been... a lot.
Busy.

I've stalled on a lot of things, I've taken breaks. And before I knew it, here I am, a year has passed. How did it happen just like that?

I think I'm afraid of writing in some ways. Letting it all out, knowing that my thoughts are somewhat concrete, and exist in the world outside of my body. It's a love that I fight everyday when I wake up and before I go to sleep.

There's pages and pages of unfinished poems, sentences that have no periods, and phrases that are untethered. And I tell myself, this is going to something - something full - whole - and it's own life. A piece of myself that can stand on it's own, or at least learning how to walk on its own before I can let it go. I save pieces for this and that, and I end up in a bigger mess in of myself.

I dream that there would be little bundles of papers, sewn together, by the spine of a book that - is me. I'd selfishly pour myself into something, every ounce of care and pain I have, thinking that it'll bring me some satisfaction. Some feeling that it's okay, and that I exist in the world.

It's weird writing sometimes.
I look back and I can still feel the heaviness despite how much time has passed. I still feel the weights on my shoulders, the cloud that looms around, and the bits and pieces of what I've tried forgetting. The words I've written remind me of where I was, and where I am. Things have changed, and some haven't. I get nostalgic of the words I've used, and the emotion it carries; the life I had back then.

It gives me a perspective that I hold onto, yet, feel conflicted if I could ever let go.
I'd let out a few tears for her, the girl I used to know - and know now.
There's things I don't think I can forgive and forget. It's a tug-of-war game that's gone on forever, and I feel like I don't know a time where I wasn't holding on for my dear life.

Maybe I'm being dramatic.

I've shared some stories with friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers. I've taken my time for that. And I've also kept to myself. Solitude has always been there for me. I hear that there's stepping stones as I wandered around blindly, I lost my footing at times, but I'm on my hands and knees now.

It's been hard to breathe this year.

Things pile up on each other, and I find myself scrambling to balance another plate on my head. I have little to no time to process things, and when I can finally catch my breath, all the plates come tumbling down after my strategic method of keeping myself together. (This is quite ironic, because I loved building towers out of cards when I was a kid - and I wouldn't give up until I had a pyramid - no matter how many times it fell over).

I can feel myself building the tower of cards these days, being teased dangerously by the wind to knock me over. So much has built up and I just sit there not knowing where to start. Like when you pull a string from your sweater, and it continues to undo the whole thread. Whatever direction I gravitate towards, I'm spiraling further into something else.

(Lots of metaphors haha).

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is - I need to do things on my own more these days.
It's been draining, and I need to slow down by a million.

I need to escape. Leave.
Go somewhere far away and completely new.
I need to look at new things with my own eye balls.
Drop what I know.
Breathe new air.

--
This was my stream of consciousness.
6:02am.
12/29/18.

Lessons from 2017

How's your New Year going?
I can't believe it's 2018! It seems like it was only yesterday when I was in class, and everyone was saying that the world was going to end in December 2012.

I've been at home most of the past few weeks working on side projects that I've been thinking about recently. They're mostly works in progress, but I hope that I could share them with you soon.

Things have been settling down in my life, and I had the time to sit and look back at my year in 2017. Lots of things have happened, and I feel like it's safe to say that 2017 has been a year where I grew a lot. I learned a lot about myself and in life, probably in ways that I would not have imagined any other way. In a good and bad way I suppose.

Hopefully you can find something that resonates with you in what I say next :)
These are some things I learned along the way on my road down 2017.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

1. Love

Ah, L-O-V-E. Something I always find myself thinking, breathing, and talking about.

Love the people around you.
Please, please, please, don't forget who you love. Why you love them. What you love about them.
I try to remind myself these things, because it's important to stay grounded with the people that I surround myself with.

Relationships need to be nurtured with care in order to grow. Whether I'm asking how their day went, or I see something that reminds me of them -- I try to keep a little space in my heart for them.
Try not to feel embarrassed or shy about being affectionate. It can take time, but try nonetheless.

Stay strong, caring, attentive, thoughtful, kind, and loving.
Be there for people through the thick and the thin.

Find the people who make the salty tears reach your laughing lips.
Find the people who don't envy you, but who feel inspired by your achievements.
Find the people who don't discard or forget about you.

Find the people who will hold you, because they want to, and expect nothing back -- even when your body quakes with sobs, when your arms are limps, and all you can do is try to forget.

You never know when something will happen. I hope you can look back with a knowing smile, because they knew how much you love them.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

2. Be Honest

Be truthful to yourself.
Don't lie to and try to convince yourself that you're this or that.
Be you.

Be honest with others.
Believe me when I say I have been very honest with others -- not going to lie, it has backfired -- it has led to embarrassing and awkward moments. I would shake my head to try to make the memories disappear, but it sadly didn't.

At the end of the day, week, month, or year, I can promise you -- being honest is worth all those feelings of cringing. Soon enough, time will pass, and you would have that one blissful day where you can go on with the day without thinking about that moment you once wanted to erase.

Being vulnerable is okay.
Although some things won't go the way you planned it to be, it was worth a shot. It's better to take chances than to wonder what could've happened.

I have had many conversations with friends where we talked about the widest range of topics. Those are the fondest memories I have with them, because we were free. We could open up to each other about fears and secrets that we thought other people wouldn't understand. We were free from our own conscious, and we supported each other. Being truthful can be liberating.

If the people around you judge you for being you -- ask yourself if these are the people you want to continue being friends with. Will they be a shoulder for you to cry on? Will they talk to your face or behind your back?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

3. Do things that scare you

Oh how I wish I could just pummel that feeling of fear out of my mind. Some times I think that fear is embedded in my DNA no matter how much I try to plaster on a fake smile.

But I've been doing more things that push me out of my comfort zone.
Public speaking, taking initiative, going to social events, meeting new people, etc.
I could draw you a line graph of how much my anxiety and nervousness has spiked over the last year, haha. My heart would beat like 50 miles per hour. My mind would go blank. My hands would shake.

Eventually, I learned to get use to that feeling.
The more I pushed myself to do different things, the more I felt confident to do the next thing. I'm not saying that I'm super confident now, but I am more willing to try. I still hesitate and all, but I'm getting better.

! !  PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT I SAY NEXT  ! !

If you're passionate about something, and it scares you, that's good.
Your passion should motivate you to be a perfectionist.
Chase that dream. Invest your time and energy.

Some goals and passions will break, haunt, nag, and hold onto you for dear life. The process of tripping over yourself with doubt, fear, anxiety, and stress can take who knows how long.

Sometimes it takes one minute to realize that those 150 pages of blood, sweat, and tears -- are garbage. That out of those 15 songs you've sang, only 1 is worth listening to again.

Be the best damn version of yourself -- even if you have to tear yourself down and build yourself up again. Prepare to fall down, brush yourself off, and get up running.

If you're afraid to do something, someone else is bound to do it before you.
Take risks, and trust yourself.
Always try.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

4. Be kind

This sounds ridiculous, but it still surprises me when I meet people who aren't kind.
Life doesn't need added negativity, especially if it's unnecessary.

Take a extra moment to say "thank you," "have a nice day," "I like your shoes," "you look beautiful today."

Someone might need it. 
Everyone deserves it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

5. Take care of yourself

If you've been following me online for a while, you know that I'm all about treating yourself.
Pamper nights with face masks to giving yourself time to binge watch TV.

Besides that, you need to look after your health too.
Go to the doctors, the dentists, etc.
Be sure to eat, exercise, and rest.
Notice the changes of your body -- not to pick and pull "flaws" -- notice for the sake of possibly being at risk of disease, illness, cancer, etc.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

6. Keep learning

Never stop learning. Look at things in different perspectives. Think with an open mind. Absorb cultures, languages, and philosophies.

Find lessons from books, movies, people, and other things.
Make it a mission to improve yourself everyday, and don't be shy to ask questions. Ask for help too!

I've found some time to read more books on my commute to class, and there were a lot of head nodding advice that I picked up from different authors. Don't be ashamed by the titles, genres, or authors you read. I've read: fiction, memoirs, self-help, romance, etc., and I've taken pieces of each story in some shape or form.

Use your past memories and moments as a way of understanding how far you've come.
You will recognize the mistakes and achievements that you've made, and it'll play into the grand picture of who you are now.

You'll never learn unless you accept, open, and find yourself.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I hope 2017 has been a year of discovery, and that it was everything you needed.
Here's to 2018!

x Vicky

Self Doubt and Sabotage

I am a over thinker.
My thoughts would spiral downwards, and I'll end up in a pit of self doubt. It's quite a dramatic way of wording it, but having self doubt makes a chain reaction of bad judgement and decisions.

This feeling of doubt would kick in when I try to convince myself that I should say "yes" to any opportunity. Will it make me uncomfortable and challenge me in a new way? Well, yeah -- but I want to push myself to experience new things.

But then there's a conflict in my conscience of "can I actually do this?"and "do I have the time for this?"

I'd doubt my skills and capabilities, and I would tell myself that I don't have enough knowledge or education compared to other people. There were so many times were I thought, "This is cool! But I don't think I'd be able to do it, because I'm not good enough." I would underestimate myself and I'd feel guilty for disappointing others and passing up new things. A pang of regret would come back later and I'll be asking myself what would happen if I didn't give up on myself. If I allowed myself to explore things.

At the same time, I ask myself whether it's logical for me to try do new things. Sure it'll be a great experience, but do I have the time? Does it make sense to add something into my schedule? Would I have time to put my focus on a project or event?

We only have 24 hours in a day, and it stresses me out when I look over my calendar and notice how little spaces I have to accomplish tasks. The issue of whether I'd be able to realistically multitask in the mist of everything else that's going on in my life, is a question I'm constantly asking myself. And I noticed that my busy schedule of being a student is one of the biggest factor that actually makes me say "no."

During the times I do say "yes," sometimes I'd have to go back to my word and cancel.
In my opinion, canceling on someone/something is one of the most self destructing and self sabotage action I can do.

I am already an indecisive person, so I get even more stressed when I'm unsure on finalizing my decisions. So, when I change my mind on things, I feel like I've set myself up for failure.

For example, a friend recently asked me to help her edit a trailer for her documentary. I was beyond happy and honored. But because I'm still learning a lot about filmmaking and editing, I wasn't very confident in my capabilities compared to a professional editor. Her deadline was also after all my midterms and assignments, so it would be tight time management for me. I knew by saying "yes," I would gain experience, but I'd face the consequences of losing track of my classwork, studies, and possibly my attention to the trailer. On top of that, I never really believed in myself, and I didn't want to risk the chance of disappointing someone's expectations. By thinking in this way, my lack of confidence has already convinced me that I'll fail anyways. It's a lose-lose fight between myself.

The pros and cons of any situation can be confusing.
You can go with the choice that saves you from stress and mental health issues, but prevents you from experiencing something; Or, you can go with the choice that gives you stress, but introduces you to new experiences.

Making choices is a coin toss of how much you're willing to risk, or give up. The process of choosing what to do can be a self destructive thing that worsens anxiety, fear, and motivation.

- - - - - - - -

Looking back at my past choices, I've noticed how I'm always sabotaging myself. Whether it's sabotaging relationships with people, or the choices I've made. My stomach's been twisted with the cringe-worthy regret I have now.

My doubts would get in the way of communicating with others, and figuring out what I wanted to do with my connection with them. Do I care enough about them to give them my attention? Should I care about this person? What is this person's purpose in my life, and are they adding any value? How does this person feel about me?

The more questions I asked, the more I was confused with what I wanted and what I needed. When I would look back at my words and actions, I'd realize how my indecisiveness prevented my relationship with others to develop.

Time has passed since my moments of destruction, and I couldn't mend the issues anymore. All I could do now is to move on and be more aware of what I do.

Do you feel the same?
Thinking back to your past, have you noticed this sense of self doubt or sabotage?

- - - - - - - -

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you might've noticed how I tend to circle back to my thoughts, mindset, emotions, mental health, and so-called "philosophy." Although I never specifically say "oh, today I'm going to talk about my crappy mood," but I do mention the things that run through my head.

Most of these topics have been sitting in my mind for weeks, months, and sometimes years. I've written them down in journals, and it has taken me time to share them. I would sit on my thoughts and let them simmer until I get a better understanding of myself, and figure out what those thoughts mean over time. It's a sliver of what goes on around me, but it's a start.

I hope these posts have been therapeutic or helpful in any way as it has for me.

Warm hugs
x Vicky